Alive
by 8ounce
Summary: Aubrey's in love with Stacie, but carries with her a dark secret. Rated M for references to eating disorders. I'd love to know what you think.
1. Chapter 1

The cold, biting winter air stung my face as I sat quietly, turning a bottle of soda in my hands. Behind me, music blared, muffled by the door. I shivered, pulling the hood on my sweater over my head. I wasn't welcome here. A tear slipped down my face as I clenched my teeth, trying to hold myself together. I wasn't about to cry alone outside a party. That was beyond even my scope of pathetic. I held my breath as the music suddenly got louder, signalling the opening of the door. I expected whoever came out to walk by me.

"What are you doing out here?" Stacie inquired softly as she sat down beside me.

"I don't know." I mumbled, taking a swig of the flat soda.

"I missed you in there. I thought you'd left." She shifted closer to me and peered around my hood. I looked away. "Aubrey, are you okay?" A warm thumb wiped away a tear that I hadn't even noticed existed.

"M'fine." I muttered, leaning my elbows against the tops of my thighs.

"You wanna get out of here?" The brunette stood up and pulled out a set of car keys. She held out her hand.

"I'm supposed to make sure everything's okay after the party..." My voice trailed off as I made an excuse even I didn't believe. The truth was that spending the rest of my evening with Stacie would be a huge step up from this.

"No you don't." The brunette said flatly. "It's not your house. Beca can take care of it in the morning." I sighed and stood.

"Okay."


	2. Chapter 2

"You never answered my question." Stacie murmured as she stopped at a light.

"What question?" I feigned ignorance, looking out the window.

"Bree..." The brunette intoned, rolling her eyes. "You're not stupid. Answer the question."

"I needed some air." I replied automatically.

"Damn, if only Aubrey could lie, she'd have fooled me." Stacie chuckled quietly, reaching for my hand. I looked at her, shocked.

"What are you doing?" I asked, moving my hand away. I looked at her, wide-eyed.

"I'm holding your hand. It's generally used as an expression of care and concern." The brunette said, raising her eyebrows. Warm fingers wrapped around my hand as Stacie kept her eyes on the road. I stiffened, and stared at our entwined hands. I was so deep in my panic that I didn't notice we had arrived at our destination.

"Bree?" Stacie's other hand found my cheek. "Sweetie, are you okay?" My eyes snapped up to meet hers, full of fear and anxiety. The pressure in my chest was making it difficult to breathe. I knew I was having a panic attack, and I had to get out of the car before I ruined the interior. I fumbled with the door, trying to get it open, and stumbled out of the enclosed space. I put my hands on my knees and breathed slowly, in and out.

"Aubrey, tell me what's wrong." Stacie wrapped her arms around me as I started to sob hysterically. Palms rubbed slow, comforting circles against my back. "Shhh...it's okay. Everything's going to be fine." After a while, the only sound was my own ragged breath, exiting unevenly from my body. "Aubrey, can you tell me what's going on?" I stepped away from the brunette silently. She put her hands on my shoulders. "Bree, you're starting to freak me out." After a long silence, I decided on the least threatening thing to say.

"I'm in love with you."


	3. Chapter 3

"You're what?" The brunette blinked a few times as the words finally registered in her head.

"Don't make me say it again." I replied bitterly, turning away, as hurt from the blatant rejection exploded in my chest. I can't believe I thought she would feel the same way. It was a slap from reality. I spun and walked away, shoulders hunched in the cold. I had no idea how I was going to get home, but I certainly wasn't going to ask Stacie to take me.

"Bree, wait! You can't just drop a bomb on a girl like that and expect me not to be even a little surprised!" Stacie ran in front of me. I stopped, looking at her.

"Clearly you don't feel the same way..." I forced out painfully, angrily swiping at the tears slipping down my face, as I made to detour around her.

"What? Of course I feel the same way! How could you even..." Stacie stopped for a moment and studied me, her head cocked. What happened next was not even close to what I had expected. Lips found mine and pressed against my own. Arms linked behind my neck and pulled me closer. "I. Love. You. Too. You. Idiot." Each word was punctuated with a soft, sweet kiss. Stacie pulled away. "Although, I don't think we're in the right place for this conversation right now." I stared at her, entranced. I let her drag me back to her car, her giggling registering in my ear as I still stared blankly in front of me, shocked. "Let's go back to my place." The brunette murmured as she started her car.


	4. Chapter 4

"C'mere." Stacie opened her arms invitingly as I emerged from the bathroom, having needed to get myself back together as soon as I stepped out of her car. I looked at her hesitantly, playing with the sleeves of my hoodie. "I'm not going to eat you...oh, wait..that might not be entirely true." She giggled to herself, as she tugged on my arm. I sat down reluctantly, stiffening as she wrapped her arms around me. "Wow, you really don't like physical contact, do you?" I shook my head.

"Just...give me a couple of minutes to...warm up to you, okay?" I murmured, as I thought for a minute. I wrapped my arms around Stacie's waist and leaned my head against her collarbone, finally relaxing as my subconscious realized she would do me no harm.

"Mmm, that's better." Stacie hummed, as she reached for the remote. Suddenly, she stiffened, looking down at me.

"What?" I sat up quickly, pulling away. "Did I do something wrong?" Fear, like ice, filled me as I started mentally running through everything that had happened after I came out of the washroom. "Should I not have put my head there? Do I smell? What is it? Am I cold?"

"I...Aubrey, I can feel your ribs through your hoodie..." Stacie whispered, her hands framing my face. Her eyes radiated concern and fear as her thumbs traced softly over my cheeks. "Honey, why are you starving yourself?"

"I'm not starving myself." I scoffed, turning my head away. Her hands slipped away from my face and I stood.

"Aubrey..." Stacie gazed up at me imploringly. "What's going on?"

"Nothing! Nothing's going on! I'm fine!" I said emphatically, gesturing wildly with my hands. Suddenly, I saw a glint off of her face. I stilled as I saw the tears slipping down her face. "Stacie, no...don't cry. I'm fine. Really." I kneeled in front of her, taking her hands in mine.

"Y-you...you're so beautiful, Aubrey. Why would you think that you needed to starve yourself?" Stacie stammered, sniffling.

"I'm not." I turned my face away, the hurt from earlier blossoming in my chest again. "I'm not." I whispered harshly.

"I love every single part of you. You're so vibrant, and funny, and smart. And _so_ beautiful. Your eyes are so expressive, and so lovely." Stacie murmured, tracing patterns over our interlocked fingers. After a long pause, she spoke again. "Tell me what happened."

"I can't." I sobbed hysterically, doubled over in pain. Stacie dropped to her knees and pulled me to her, engulfing me in a tight embrace.

"Shhh...honey, it's okay. Whatever happened, it's the past. It can't hurt you anymore. Shhh...it's okay. I'm here." She breathed next to my ear, stroking my hair. I cried. I cried until all the pain was expelled through my tears. I cried until I could no longer feel my face. I cried until my lungs burned. "It's okay, let it all out." Stacie said quietly, her voice breaking on the words. "We'll get through it." As my sobs died down, I blew my nose and sat down in front of her, crossed-legged. She linked our hands again and sat with me. In comfortable silence. After a while, I spoke.

"I...I'm never good enough." I rasped, my throat raw from crying.

"For who, honey?" Stacie said softly, wiping a tear away from my face with her thumb.

"My parents." I mumbled under my breath. "My friends, my teachers, my relatives, Beca, the Bellas..." My voice trailed off as I got to the Bellas, the source of most of my pain. I didn't fit in there anymore. They preferred Beca's approach to a cappella, and as she hated me, the rest of them did too.

"Sweetie, the Bellas don't hate you. Without you they wouldn't be anywhere near as good as they are now. Beca can arrange as many pieces as she wants, but without your cardio and exercises, they would never be able to sing them." Stacie sighed. "Your parents will come around."

"No they won't."

"Aubrey, I'm sure that's not –"

"—they can't." I interrupted her flatly, pulling my hands from hers.

"Bree..." Stacie moved into my line of sight. "Bree, what are you saying?"

"My parents are dead." I stated emotionlessly, expecting pity. Expecting sympathy. I loathed both equally. As she gazed at me, though, I saw nothing but compassion.

"I'm sorry, Bree."

"You don't need to..." I shook my head.

"I know. But they wouldn't want to see you like this, Aubrey. I'm not guilt-tripping you. I'm concerned. As somebody who loves you so much, I want you to stick around." She gave me a soft smile. She pulled gently at my arm, silently asking me to move closer. I complied, allowing myself to be tugged into her proximity.

"I am sticking around." I stated bluntly, my head resting on Stacie's chest. For a moment there was only silence, as Stacie rubbed her hands up and down my arms.

"You might not be, for long, if you keep living like this." She said softly, her voice cracking with suppressed emotion.

"I can do it without dying, Stacie. Trust –"

"—Aubrey..." She pleaded quietly, silent tears making their way down her face. I looked up at her, but she stared stoically forward. After a pause, she spoke. "If there's even a possibility that you won't be here before your time is up, I refuse to accept it." She murmured, still not looking at me. "I can't lose you." She whispered, finally looking down at me. "Do you understand, Aubrey? I've waited so long for you, I can't lose you. I just can't." I felt my eyes fill as her words sank in. "My sister. She also told me to trust her. I did, because I naively thought that she was right, that she didn't need any help. She ended up in the hospital. Two days after she was released, she was gone. She'd taken her own life. I loved her so much. So much. It killed me every day to see her slowly wasting away, trying to be perfect."

"Stace..." I whispered, lacing our fingers together. "I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"I don't need you to be sorry." She looked at me, tears shining brightly in her eyes. "I need you to stick around."

"I don't know if I can." I breathed, looking down. Warm fingers found my chin and tilted it up.

"There are people who can help with that." She murmured, her soft lips meeting mine. "I can't lose you." She mumbled against my lips. "I can't."

"What do you want me to do?" I asked, desperate, fear clawing at my insides. The thought of going to see a therapist scared me to death.

"I want you to hold me, and to kiss me, and to reassure me that you're still alive." She gasped, as I scooped her up into my arms and walked towards the bedroom. "Aubrey, what are you doing?" She squealed, linking her hands behind my neck.

"Holding you." I shifted her in my arms. "Kissing you." I pressed kisses down her side of her face. "And reassuring you that I'm still alive." I climbed onto her bed and put her down beside me, pulling her towards me as she rested her head on my chest. I wrapped my arms around her. "Happy?"

"Extremely." She purred, grinning as she wrapped her arms around my waist.


End file.
